shitty thoughts on a sunday morning

I woke up early today to do some work that has been delayed. Here I am delaying it some more. Procrastination is a big part of my life and I don't know how to stop it. I do it in every part of my life. I sometimes think I procrastinate even my own life. I'm leaving life to be lived always in some time in the future. "I'll be happy when I get there" but I don't feel like I'm making an effort to get there. And that's how I'm in this shithole of a non-lived life now. And I never have this urge to "settle down" because since I have not lived, there's so much to be done yet, and in the age I am, I finally came to sense that I won't live forever, I won't be young forever, and most of the clothes I planned on wearing whenever I had more money/time/whenever I felt like becoming a real woman, I can't wear them anymore, I'm too old. I feel like I've aged more in the past year then in 10 years. Maybe being in this solitude makes that happen. While I was with someone (a big part of the past 9 years) I always thought things would be better after something that had to be achieved, whether it was finishing college, having a place of our own, things like that. I was never (or for really rare times) really happy with what I had at the moment. Even now I am living like this, waiting for a part in my life to end so a new one can begin, and not really living it, not living this moment, the classes I attend, the drawings I should be improving, this job that would be my ticket to some place better. And I am no longer young. I feel like life is near to an end. But I always felt this way. I didn't think I would be alive for so long, so maybe that's why I never made much of an effort. What the fuck is keeping me from living my life? I went to the mall yesterday, had a haircut and didn't feel happy about it, and it wasn't a big change of what I had before. I took a look at clothes, shoes, purses and didn't feel like owning any of them. And I feel like an outcast in this materialist world where the looks matter more than anything else. And I feel to old to be an outcast. Of course when a DVD comes out I wanna own it immediately. A book or a new graphic novel by certain authors comes out, and I want to have it, read it, absorb it in the moment. But still, because of the world we live in, I feel unhappy with the way I look, the clothes I own, but I can't do anything about it, because I live in a contradiction. If I don't feel like buying anything or any service related to the looks, then why do I feel so bad about my evergrowing belly, my face without make up -and I don't even know how to put it on-, my unfashionable clothes that are mostly 10 years old. Why do I look at all those young and beautiful models and hot women who spend so much time improving their looks so they can have any men at their foot, and feel this envy and this sense of lack of power, like I'll never have anybody anymore? Why do I complain so much about life, if I have people who love me? Even if I can't love them back? So if I am alone, isn't it my choice? So why does people keep pushing couplehood onto me, as if being single is wrong? Like an asshole's blog I read the other day, saying that people in their late 20's should already be married, and the ones single are a menace to the good functioning of society. So I should stop reading stupid random blogs, but I can't help feeling like I am so out of place, I am so lost and confused right now, and feeling selfish as hell because I want to have a masters degree and for that, I'll be on my own for a long time, because I feel like I can't cope with having a career and a family altogether, so I should set free whoever is waiting for me but I can't because I don't want to lose him forever. but I am so not ready to have a family - a husband and kids. Will I ever be ready? Will I ever have that?

SO. This is all that's been inside my head right now. Never been this afraid in my life. But I finally have to get this life thing going. And let's get back to work so I can have some extra bucks till next week, so I can afford a gym or something that will make me feel better about my body. Oh, I stopped thinking that working out is not for me. My body aches so much, I am easily out of breath, and I started to see a little bit more forward in life. I haven't lived much. If I still want to do all the things I have to do in my time left, I'll have to make an effort into being a bit healthy.

Happy sunday morning. Sorry for all this, I had to let it out.